Lengthening my Stride

Last night, my friend Matt and I, attended a "social" at the San Jose Institute of Religion (That's a place where our church has a building set aside for members and non members alike to attend classes that teach about different parts of the gospel to increase one's understanding of the doctrine, while serving as a place where people can hang out in between classes). At any rate, following one of the classes on Wednesday, they have a group activity/team building exercise. It probably wasn't the highlight of the night, but whatever...

There were a few awkward moments, but the first was when Matt and I were shooting pool waiting for the class to be over when a girl we didn't know walked in and over to us and asked, "Are you on a date?" I quickly replied in the negative. I was shocked on two levels, the first being that she did not engage in any preliminaries, nor did she say, or ask anything else. Not that being on a date with Matt would be a bad thing, but why would he take me to the institute for a date??? He has a little more style than that! Secondly, he and I have been on a date a long time ago. It didn't go well.

However, that leads to a different, yet related train of thought. Since he and I have become friends, I would have no problem going on a date with him. He is a lot different than he was when he asked me out. He was fresh off a mission, still really socially awkward, and immature. He has grown by leaps and bounds since then, and I would hope that I have as well. So, the thought of giving it a second attempt doesn't make me want to puke. I'd be totally open to it, but I'm not hoping for it, but I'd be open. I say this, just to point out that a few years ago, the thought of hanging out with Matt wasn't very appealing. We were both in different phases of our lives and there was not even enough chemistry to have a friendship.

This can happen in different aspects of our lives. Sometimes, we are presented with certain opportunities and it doesn't appeal to us, but when the same situation is re-introduced later, we don't always give it a second chance. Sometimes, the time passed, the changes and growth we experience, make us more prepared, or more compatible with the situation. Here is a medical analogy: When I was a young child, I suffered from chronic migraines (this has not changed). However, I was given a medication called Fiornal to take when I was suffering with a more severe headache than OTC drugs could not alleviate. As a child, my body could not handle the affects, or accept the chemical change and my body responded poorly. It was insufferable! I was then prescribed something else. As my body changed, and I grew older, so did my chemical make up. The medication I took stopped working, and they suggested I give Fiornal another shot! In high school, on the verge of being home schooled due to high absences due to illness, I decided to go for it. It was amazing! I resisted for some time, because I had remembered what I had experienced the first time around, but it became an important part of my life. Sure, I was knocked out for two hours solid, but I woke up feeling like a million bucks!

I think about that when presented with something that I have already seen, or experienced. I ask myself, "Didn't I already try this? I know I didn't like it the first time, why would that be different this time?" But, like Fiornal, and green beans (I despised them as a child), church dances, FHE, hanging out with certain groups of people, I have found that sometimes, when time has passed and I have grown as a person, and especially when it comes to people, we change and progress all the time. Who's to say it may not be more to your liking later? Well, I guess in the case of the green beans, it's a deterioration of the taste buds that make them more palatable as an adult, but I think you get the point. So, I guess the point is ask yourself “why not?” and maybe you might find yourself stretching your legs a little more and lengthening that stride!

I am going to make a greater effort to do this in my social networking. It's got to be more than tolerance. Tolerance without at least a little benevolence is a vain effort indeed.

Going Bonkers

Keeping busy with official and unofficial activities in my life. Sometimes, I forget that I am human and am very capable having my feeling hurt. It doesn't happen often, and I steer clear of things that I might actually care about and I move along rolling my eyes about the crap I am forced to witness. I don't allow a lot of people into my inner circle. I know I take it to an extreme, but even my Twinner's I haven't let in on a lot. I can't do it. My current company demands this distance, and there is not one among them deserving of such a trusted and sacred part of me.

Today, as the last few days have been I have been in a position of what to some might be jaw-dropping experiences. But for me, I have to analyze it first and consider what has really come to pass. That way, I don't jump to conclusions. It finally hit me today that my feeling is hurt and I am not pleased about it. I am not angry, I am hurt. I'm hurt, however, on a few different levels, which make the hurt deeper. I hurt for the man I look to for so much guidance, as I see him faced with many troubles. I hurt for his family, and what they have gone through, especially his wife. I hurt to see him hide his concern for the economic welfare of his company and those that work for him. I hurt when sometimes his frustrations (even in his concern he is very even keel), are taken out on my by short comments that hurt me to my core.

I rarely cry. I don't cry at funerals. I don't cry when I watch stupid chick flicks that most women require and entire box of facial tissue. I can watch Schindler's List a million times and not shed one single tear. I have read books about what the Jews had to endure while in the various extermination camps, where, in great detail, the experiments, and method of mass execution is described, and still...no tears. However, today, I felt the desire to cry. I didn't cry, but I actually thought I might. All because of one word..."whatever." It wasn't the word itself, but the tone, and intent, and from whom the word was spoken. It hurt me. That's it.

ej

Jam Session...well...sorta...

After over 11 years, I played the trombone last night. I only played for one section of a piece, but dang, I sounded pretty darn good! LOL! I played trumpet the rest of the time, as my friend, Jessie, brought her trombone and has played more recently than I. We were fortunate that have been able to get some of it on audio/video. We even switched instruments at one point and that was a hoot too!

Later, we will work up to a more complicated piece. We have arrangments for Glen Miller's "In the Mood" and Chicago's "25 or 6 to 4." Those are some fun jazzy songs that will be good fun when we get back into the swing of things. We had some good laughs last night!

Aw we were waiting for the rice to cook, and our lips were buzzing from our earlier efforts of playing, we read Act 1 Scene 1 of Romeo and Juliet. While the hamburger concoction was heating up, we summarized what we had read, and put it into terms we felt our contemporaries would understand. It was terribly funny! Carrie, I can't wait for you to come out to California and join in the fun!

ej

rain rain go away

it's raining today
pouring cats and dogs
i remember the old days
sittin' in school
with nothin' to do
the teacher's callin' my name
i'd rather go outside to play

but we're...
playin' heads up 7 up
eating lunch at our desks
hopin' that the sun comes out
and dries up all the rain
i'm thinkin' 'bout hop scotch
pencil breakn' n' double dutch
oh please
rain rain go away

it's time for that spelling test
i didn't even practice yet
spent all morning lookin' outside
tryin' to make the sun shine bright
little prayers with a little beggin'
hoping that the rain lets up
and cancels all our tests
but instead...

rain rain go away
come back some other day
i'm tired of
heads up 7 up
eating lunches at my desk
wantin' to play hop scotch
pencil break and double dutch
oh,
rain rain some other day

ej

Feeling Old

I spent my thanksgiving playing football for nearly 4 hours straight, then rushed home to cook and shower before dinner. By the time dinner was through and the pies came out, I was already going home. I was so tired, especially since I'd been up since 4 a.m. (my regular time on weekdays). I had agreed to playing basketball Friday morning with the boys. So, we played for almost three hours. I was already sore from football the day before, and even though I work out faithfully, I was still exhausted. Pushing the accelerator on my way home was an effort. I attmepted to practice a few songs on the drums, but my legs were so tired, that it hurt to use the bass pedal. I spent the rest of afternoon getting things done around the apartment with a great effort. Saturday, I spent with my friend Amy and crew. She was moving into her new apartment. It was a lot of work, but a lot of fun. The only thing, is somehow I tweaked my back and it has not been the same since. Certainly, I am aware that it is probably my fault, as I have continued to go to the gym, and work for the Jensen's doing labor intensive tasks. But, I need the money to pay rent, so I we do what we gotta do. Take 600mg of Motrin and off you go! I've decided however, that when I am recovered and someday have a home of my own, I will have a backyard area that has a pile of dirt. Each day, I am going to go out and move the pile of dirt from one place to another for exercise. It is a full body experience, and imagine how strong you would get if you did that once a day, everyday, Sunday excluded? Yeah, that'd be fun!

ej

Driving in my car...

Driving in my car is always an experience. I have a 1986 Toyota Camry and it is the most fun car I've ever owned! The motor hums quietly, and when I am idling at a red light, the only sound other than the motor, is the soft "tick...tick...tick..." of the small clock in my dashboard control panel. I enjoy all the small details of my car that gives it character and most especially the interior. The vinyl interior of my roof is cracked in such a way, that it makes me think that Spiderman and bricklayers came together to create the fun, intricate design that exists in my car. The cloth interior is a light blue, mostly faded from years in the sun, and my exterior paint job leads me to question the original color of the car, but I am happy to call it blue, but I'm not sure. My car stereo has a little erractic at times, and at any given moment, all the speakers may decide to work simultaneously! I get excellent gas mileage and displayed above my rear window break light, I display proudly in white lettering, "TAPOUT" (this matching my favorite fighting T-shirt). I'm finding that it's taken longer than I had realized, to adjust to the manual windows, thus giving "power" windows, a whole new meaning to me. If anything, I have "power" windows, as it is because of my brute strength that I am able to operate the driver side window! It has been such a joy to drive this car, and I look forward to many adventures to come.

ej

Perambulating after Christmas in the Park

There's a calming effect I experience when I walk under an overpass. There is a pinging in my ears as the sound of the cars "whooshing" by bounces back and forth against the concrete pillars stimulating my senses. Even in an instant of seemingly chaotic stimuli a person can get lost in the moment All my senses are heightened as I take each step, and my head is down as I read the words of Mark Twain in "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer." I am focused on the story in my hands, but aware of the step I'm in and the steps to come. The cracks in the concrete remind me of the childhood game to be played alone or with others. "Don't step on a crack, or you'll break your mother's back!" we would declare one to the other. As I think this reading of Tom's excellent adventure in whitewashing Aunt Polly's fence, and simultaneously take an extended stride to avoid a crack. I resist the temptation to stop a moment and take a moment to climb the concrete that ascends toward the ceiling of the overpass to read a few moments and enjoy the waves of sounds under the bridge of concrete. It calls to me but I politely decline the invitation and trudge along. The browned leaves rustle beneath my feet as I step back into the sunlight. A welcomed warming to my chilled cheeks and inviting me to play some more. Again, I do not check my pace and continue along the paved walkway. It's a cool winter day with a bright encouraging sun. Today I am simply determined not to be engaged in spirited follies of the usual nature, but to enjoy an early morning perambulation of a reserved nature and to stimulate my creative eye by the leisurely reading of a fine piece of American literature.

ej

Dying Young

i always believed i would die young
i had dreams that would lead me
guiding my life to lay me to rest
in a grave of rocks and stubble
i don't know why i had visions, gray
but the coolness of the stones
against my face, unmoved by my cold flesh
no blood was shewn and no tears poured
my corpse lay quiet, breathless, souless
never questioning or beckoning for reason
still, beneath the smooth rock i rest
never again to speak a word of distress

jjf

A Starry Dream

Last night, I dreamt of a world where the stars and the heavens were so close I could reach above my head and touch them. I felt the soft touch of the clouds against my cheek as I took a nap in the sky, with the sun smiling ever so gently above me. When I arose and saw the stars, I picked one out of the sky and tossed it in the air. I looked around for a friend, because I wanted to play. As soon as I thought it, I could see Johnny waving hello! So, I took the star in my hand and threw it towards him with all my might! He jumped effortlessly in the air and caught it with a smile. We tossed it back and forth until we fell lazily upon a cloud, and I drifted off to sleep, just as my eyes opened and it was morning.

ej

Eternal Inferno

I am reaching beyond my ken
clawing through a tenebrous chasm
i close my eyes to see the light
as the ululating winds dull my mind
the trembling of my finger tips
my fluttering sand filled eyelids
and quivering frigid chaffed lips
the light that never appears
scorns my soul with eternal inferno
burning my core without blister
leaving it's impression that not one
no not one will see or feel

jjf

“Everyone is replaceable”

I had a Mentor that taught me that every person is important in the world. He educated those that would listen by using parables that would be familiar to the students, that they might grasp more complex concepts. Throughout our lives, we gain knowledge from our mentors, whether they are direct or indirect lessons. Their examples leave a lasting impression in our minds and help shape the person we choose to become.

Now, I have been in sales for many years. Most of my sales experience comes from trial and error. When I was eight years old, I got involved with a sales club, which allowed me to “run my own business.” I managed my own schedule, managed all monies, kept a sales log, created a client database, created sales zones, and kept record of zone rotations. I did this all the way through my second year of high school. I made two dollars per item I sold, and I was able to save money for items that I wanted that my parents were unable to provide for me. In high school, I was highest earner for candy sales for my tennis team, simply because I knew how to get results with a minimal amount of effort. The “work smarter, not harder,” concept was in effect. I learned that doing the simple things: smiling, making eye contact, being genuine, exuding confidence, etc., will make all the difference in a sale.

We can also learn under those, who may or may not teach, correct principles. I believe we have the choice to take the best of what they offer, and leave the rest on the table. I have attended sales training seminars as an adult, and they continue to press the importance of those before mentioned key elements. You also have to know what you’re trying to sell. The reason I bring up my experience in sales is because I once had a mentor that said to our group, “Everyone is replaceable.” We all nodded our heads in agreement, but even as I did so, I began to consider what he was really saying. Yes, I agree that in the corporate world, where companies are huge and have hundreds of guys that can all do the same thing, they can be replaced. My mentor was a small business owner, and in order for him to keep his business running well and thriving with new clientele, he had to sell himself. He was a teacher, mentor, and role model for children, teenagers, and adults alike. What made his business special…was his special ability to teach a class in a style that was all his own. Those that participated or watched his class, could feed off his energy and be excited, and leave wanting more. When he decided that he wanted to expand, he trained any Dick, or Harry, or Chimp to try and take his place. There were a few of us that believed in the betterment of the program, and that you could take a simple hobby, and turn it into something exceptional that you could share with others. When a business is built upon one specific person and not one person who has been trained, or possesses the skills or traits to follow in the same footsteps, it can only lead where his business ran…into the ground.

How could he say, “everyone is replaceable?” It doesn’t make sense to me. Each person possesses unique skills, and talents. If you have a staff that is not well rounded, or functioning as one unit, you cannot expect positive results. What he left behind, was a legacy. A legacy that began when we were all sold on the roots of what was already believed in so deeply. Honor. Respect. Perseverance. Integrity. I believe he missed some very important lessons during his experience as a teacher, mentor, and businessman. In a small family owned business, I would think each person is important to making the business run well, especially, one that is based on the appeal of one specific person. If he had built his business selling the program, rather than just himself, there could have been a more realistic expectation from his staff when he up and left without letting his people know. Everyone is replaceable??? Give me a break. Not everything in this world has to be so cold hearted, and “it’s business, baby, only business!”

ej

Never Alone

he was a boy without a home
sweet and tender as he could be
he ran and played without a care
he knew someday he'd have a family too

he'd been down and out and left alone
he knew times were tough but he was too
he believed in God and the Holy ghost
so he would never feel alone

in his soul, his faith ran deep
never complained when the climb was steep
he believed in good no matter the cost
he prayed for those who might be lost
even though he didn't have as much
he knew he would always have His love

they walked into the room of 50 kids
playing games, singing songs
they'd tried so long to have their own
today they were blessed to take one home
every child was smiling sweet
some were afraid, heads down low
they met his gaze and knew he was the one
they had been looking for all along

he was sweet and tender as he could be
ran and played without a care
in his soul, his faith ran deep
he would never feel lonely
he finally had a family

ej

winter

my favourite time of year is winter
everything but time, hibernates
even the leaves turn and fall to rest
to be taken by cold winds blown
with ease and effort, they soar

pursuing the temptation of icy days
Mother stays her course
and the Sun leans gentler still
to join the timeless season
the Moon appears each evening
reminding us to stoke the fire
and tuck our young ones well
for bitter is the Frost at night

Winter is my favourite season,
Late night conversations over,
steamy frothy cups of hot chocolate
enjoying moments when,
you can almost hear time stand still

ej

Who's on deck?

i've got lemon drops in my pocket
and big chew in my glove
i'm heading for the school yard
to meet my friends and play
it's saturday and we've got time
to finish chores early and say,

"the kitchen's clean, the floor is too!
my bed's made, room's picked up
i'll take out the trash, and then
i'll be back this afternoon!
if you need me i'll be at the school
see you soon!"

we're down one player, but that's okay
i'll be pitching for both teams
i'd rather have it that way
always in the action, never stopping
never missing a moment
always looking for the chance to say,

"hey good try, maybe next time!
you don't have to cry!
we've all been there once or twice
batter up, who's on deck?
let's keep playing before it's late
and we have to go back home.
batter up, who's next? let's play!"

ej

Unbreakable Oars

she spends the day, walking in the sand
taking time to ponder about her life
her mother has the kids this week
giving her time she needs to think
he was out of her life without warning
leaving the family in pain and mourning
she knows it wasn't his fault he left
or that God has chosen her to torment
there is a plan for her and she decides
to move ahead with all her might

she's been lonely before
but knows she is loved
her children her parents
and the Lord above

as she stands at the edge of the sea
the tears fall from her face lovingly
she knows she will see her love again
and will be with him in eternity
she thanks her God for his love
and knows her prayer is enough

she will not wait on the sandy shores
she will face the wind and sail on
tho when the wind fades and all seems lost
she'll row with courage, unbreakable oars

ej

I want a black eye!

I am unfulfilled! I used to be Ninja, and now I am not. I have spent a lot of money to train in martial arts at a particular school, and I am malcontented with my current level of conditioning and training. When I returned to the school of choice, I was excited and on fire about where I wanted to be. I wanted to earn my 2nd Degree black belt, and I wanted to be ninja gain so I could compete and get back into the shape I was. I used to be able to do pushups on my feet for days, and do leg lifts and flutter kicks for as long as they wanted me to. I could kick a man standing 6’4" square on the side of his face standing toe to toe with him. It was a great feeling to have that sort of flexibility and stamina. I loved to fight on the ground and wrap it up with the boys, but now, there are only two people to fight and not enough energy to even do that! Kelly and I started back with high energy and enthusiasm, only to be shot down by one of the instructors, who treated us very poorly, and without equality, as we were expecting special treatment. He toned down our energy level, by reprimanding us on our intensity level. Why would a person do that? When his students were benefiting from the increased level of excitement in the classroom, and wanted to get on the train?

Kelly and I talked last night, and she was feeling the same way! So, we decided we don’t need their school to be ninja, and are going to turn her garage into our own little dojo and train like we used to! Before Mr. Ekholm was Master Ekholm, and they made us wear way too much protective gear! When we would go full contact and get sore faces and noses, and injured, and that was okay, because we were mean, lean fighting machines! We remember how we used to train, and literally blood, sweat, tears, and lots of puking, because we pushed it to the limit!
Now, everyone has to be nice, so that everyone feels good. You’re gonna struggle, it’s part of life, it’s part of martial arts. You are not always gonna pass the test, and that’s just how it goes. You have to suck it up and take the test again! We received a no change and it made us work so much harder. To not have passed the test, really brought us together! We trained together, we tested together, and we failed together. There was no one person passing on his or her own, we had to do it together. I miss those days, but I take from those experiences all the knowledge and skill and work out with my ninja, Kelly and whoever else wants to join us. I can always pick another style, or school.

I just want to fight and learn and get into shape doing it. Most importantly, I want to have fun!

ej

Love Thy Neighbor

i saw my father cry once
when i was six years old
he told me "some people died today"
he was praying on his knees
praying that their families
and loved ones would alright
though i didn't understand it then
i know now that it's true

we have to love one another
even if they may be a stranger
my father taught me that way
to praise God and live for today
He told us to love our neighbor
even as we love our Savior
pray for love for others

i still believe the words
my father spoke that day
even though we don't talk
like we used to do
he taught me good things too
and the rest we just let go

I saw my father cry again
I actually felt something this time
It was different than before
But tears began to fill my eyes
I blinked them away
And thought about when I was six
The people he prayed for
This time it wasn’t someone else’s mother
It was his and he sang to honor her

ej

I don't like to watch the Tele

i don’t like to watch the tele,
especially the news.
i'd rather play football then
watch it monday night.

i like a good film now and again,
mostly for background noise.
there are times i feel so lazy,
i can hardly move a muscle.
there are days i cannot be stopped,
when i decide to go.

i get so tired at the end of a day,
my eyes will cross, my toes cry out
"stop! and let me be!"
my heart beats loudly in my ears,
like quasimodo found
a new home

i don't like to sit around and stare
my walls are white and plain
but that is not what bothers me
i like them white it looks so clean
it's sitting, wondering

"how else will i fill my time?"
i don't need people every moment
of my dayin fact i'd rather shoot
my right toe,
with a gun and buck shot
blow it clean away

i only do what i must
because i know it's right
however
without my right toe
i'd be watching football
every monday night

ej

Escaping

i spent so many hours searching
praying for a way of escaping
in a quiet, hidden prison i laid dreamless
asking "why i'd been so shameless?"
i had a fear of someone knowing
or seeing me not glowing
he told me it was all he needed
but it was me, he mistreated
escaping the darkness
running from the fear
even in the daylight
I can’t hold back the tears
I blamed myself at the start
and my world was torn apart
in a world where truth so easily hides
i hugged my knees singing lullabies
i was taught to smile no matter what
so i wiped away my tears
stood up on my own two feet
despite all my fears

jjf

Society Says

society says, "dress like this,
don't say that!"
but really no one is truly happy
either way we move along
being what we think we should
too afraid to be just who we ought
to, be who we really are
why do we choose acceptance
no matter what the cost?
is it me? is it who,
you think me to be?
do i wake up happy to know
that i am me and it's enoug
hand that is what He loves?
we all want to be happy
but who really is?
i am happy when i'm me
with no disguise to hide
let my fears show you
who i am inside
i don't need to be afraid
i just need you to see
that who I am inside
should be enough, you see?

ej